I am writing on my table in my apartment next to my loving girlfriend, Adrienne. Every time I look up, she looks at me and we smile. I wait for the next time we look up.
My family lives about 3 hrs. to the east of here. I can feel them in my heart, with every beat. They are a part of me, and I can almost hear their voices.
The Pacific Ocean is about a 1/4 mile from my apartment, and sometimes I can feel the Ocean mist on my face from my balcony.
I live next to one of my best friends, who happens to be my buddy R.A. I also live very close to the many great R.A.'s in E.R.C.
I used to think that I have it all; a great gf, a great school, an exceptional family. But today, as I am writing I can't help but to feel completely alone. I thought that my future was planned, I was going to be a doctor and that was it. But as of right now, I feel almost drained of my passion that I used to thrive on. I think I know where it went, but no matter how hard I try to retrieve it, it keeps escaping me. It is like that newspaper in the wind that keeps flying away from your hand. Today, the only thing the keeps me going is the fact that I'm alive. I feel as though that if my heart was to stop right now, I would not fight it at all. I can't fight it, I am living on Empty.
The conundrum of my life: No matter how low I feel I still keep up my work as a student, I try to eat healthy, I am trying to be a better friend than I used to be, I keep up my activities, I love seeing my family, and I love the outdoors. I don't understand, how I can feel completely defeated, while still being able to complete the things that I need to do? I owe it to God. God, has been the only thing that is stable in my life, the only thing that I can count on, my savior, my love, and most importantly my passion that I seem to have lost.
I thank God everyday for my family that I still have, my gf, and the friends that I have made. Without God, my life would not have a drive. My life would be at a complete standstill.
Today I went to the grocery store with Adrienne, in La Jolla. If anyone knows anything about La Jolla, you know that it is a beautiful city with beatiful people. Mostly it consists of people with expensive cars, large superfluous mansions, and egos that could fill the solar system. Everywhere we turned people were honking at eachother, talking about the latest gossip, talking about everyone's personal business, giving eachother bad looks, and the worse of all was that I heard a lady yelling at a grocery clerk for being an incompetent bitch. I could not but feel completely cold. It was as if a cloud hid the sun, like their selfdom clouded over the warmth. It is a terrible to think that this is how we all treat eachother. Is this what it has come down to? I really hope it hasn't. I pray it is because I live in a city where people live on top of the materials they have tried so hard to accumulate. But what happens when the materials we have disappear?
My life has felt like a ship in a storm. I have lows and peaks, with the everyday fear that I might completely capsize. I feel like today, I am in the eye. In the distance I can see the shore, but I know it will only get worse once I pass the middle. There is just one problem, I can only see a shore full of rocks. Where do I dock?
Catch ya on the flip side.
